There I was, miles under water swimming for all it was worth. My friend Kazooie was beating her wings against the current which put us easily in the right direction, whereas I merely kicked my feet slowly. I always did the least amount of work. Kazooie also had more maneuvers when we were on land, while I just rolled to knock out foes. Doing the least amount of work always gave me time to think. It is not that I was stupid and could not think up brilliant tactics, but Kazooie did not think up her tactics as well. My friend Bottles, a mole, was the brains behind us for our whole career of defeating bad guys. Actually, he only taught us moves on our first adventure, then he died and on our second adventure his brother Jamjars filled in for him. When we finished our second adventure, we brought Bottles back to life, which I think is very strange, but that is just my opinion.
A few months after our second adventure, we found a note pinned to a stump near our demolished house that was destroyed by Gruntilda the Witch. The note was simple.
To Banjo and Kazooie-
The real adventure begins here. Go back to the Isle O’ Hags and examine your precious worlds.
Kazooie and I heeded the message and ran back to the Isle O’ Hags, the atmosphere of the worlds in our previous adventure. In Mayahem Temple, we found no difference, same with Glitter Gulch Mine. We checked every single world including where we fought Gruntilda, but the only world that looked different was Atlantis. So we did what any logical creatures would do. We went back to Atlantis to look around and found another note. It was like the first.
Congratulations, Fur Face and Buzzard Breath-
You just found what you were looking for. You may not think you were looking for anything when you first started, but you were. Find more of what you were looking for in the real Atlantis.
What were we looking for? It could be Tooty, my sister whom I did not see since my first adventure, but I think she went to visit a relative… for a few years. I was looking for a bigger piece of the pie, but I think whoever wrote that meant the two of us. Kazooie and I began debating whether we should go.
“I think it’s a trap.” I said simply.
“How do you know?” Kazooie retorted, “It’s signed anonymous, how do you know that it’s an enemy?”
“Why would anyone drag us miles away from home just for a gift?” I snapped.
“Maybe the person was too careless to bring it down here. Besides, it may be something you really want… like… a new goldfish!” Kazooie said hoping to change my mind.
“I think all of our goldfish are cursed.” I said but gave up in the end.
The only land we could see was a tiny strip we were standing on that led back to the entrance. Everything else was water, as far as the eye could see. We ran back to Mumbo Jumbo, a masked shaman, and told him the whole story.
“It probably trap. Stupid bonehead witch try anything to get you two. You better go finish her off again.” He said.
We ran back to Atlantis and he did his enigmatic voodoo charm to fill the water with air.
Mumbo panted, “Ah… That was a big body of water. Mumbo go lie down…”
Mumbo slowly walked away as Kazooie and I dived into the water. Then I returned to the present, where I was simply kicking my feet some more. Then Kazooie pointed out a sign which simply stated, “Go this way, Bear and Bird” with an arrow pointing at a tunnel. Heeding the message like we did with the other two, we swam into the tunnel. The tunnel seemed to be a never-ending, monotonous road to infinity. I was beginning to wonder if this was some sort of trap to get us stuck in a tunnel forever. Then I saw a painting on the side.
I pointed out the painting to Kazooie who was just looking ahead. We were debating about the purpose of it; we could talk underwater because of the air charm Mumbo did.
“Why is a painting under water?!” Kazooie asked, which is exactly what I was thinking.
The painting showed the country of Atlantis from the perspective of underwater. There was a sign underwater pointing up to the land saying simply, “Atlantis” The only things the painting revealed of Atlantis was a castle wall and a gate.
“I don’t know,” I replied, “But I think this is obviously some kind of clue to help us find Atlantis. I say we take it with us, it may help.”
Kazooie agreed, so I pulled with all my might, to try and get the picture off the wall, but eventually my grip loosened, and I was thrown back away from the painting. Kazooie deftly swam out of my backpack to avoid impact. When my eyes opened, Kazooie spoke.
“That obviously was a stupid idea,” Kazooie said simply, “and as usual, I have a better idea. Come here and try to pull at the painting again, but this time I’ll be at the top of the painting sticking my beak into the crack of the panting and trying to pry it off.”
And so we tried that, until the painting flew off the wall and we were both thrown back to the opposite wall. Then, Kazooie let out a short exclamation.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine, my beak is just a little numb, I’ll live…” she said, massaging her beak.
It was then that I noticed what was behind the painting. It was a hole revealing exactly what was on the painting. There was the sign pointing to Atlantis, and there was the castle wall and gate.
“Kazooie!” I said to her, “Look! Look what’s behind the painting! It’s not a wall; it’s a hole revealing the entrance to Atlantis! It’s a secret passageway!”
“Cool!” Kazooie simply said, and without further ado, we quickly swam through the hole and up to the castle gate on land. Someone was guarding the gate, though.
“Hey, you look familiar!” I said to the guard.
“I should,” the guard said in a menacing voice, “I was once the guard to the kickball stadium in Mayahem Temple. Then I made the biggest mistake of my career. I let you two in.”
“…So what?” Kazooie said in her usual cold, mocking voice.
“SO!” The guard said, getting very angry, “So, I wasn’t supposed to let you two in! Only Stonies can play!”
“But we were a Stony!” Banjo said defensively.
“No you weren’t!” the guard argued back, “You were a bear and bird disguised as a Stony, and that’s against the rules! Only Stonies can play! They realized that you weren’t a Stony after you left, and usually we disqualify people who do that, but we already gave you a prize, and you already left! My boss then got really angry, and he fired me!”
“Um…” I hesitated, “How did they know it was us?”
“I don’t know!” the guard replied, still as angry, “I guess they figured you couldn’t be a Stony because of your stupid yellow shorts and blue backpack!”
“So…” I said, “Can we come in?”
“Hmm…” the guard said, “How ‘bout…NO! I was lucky to find this high-paying job of guarding Atlantis, and I’m not going to screw it up… And neither will you!”
Kazooie and I looked around, hoping to find Humba Wumba’s Wigwam, so we could disguise ourselves again, but to no avail.
“Can’t we just fight you?” Kazooie said, hoping to get inside.
The guard then dropped his angry mood and his face cracked into a devilish grin and chuckled. He then raised his rod into the air and brought the bottom of it slamming back down on the ground. Suddenly, a bolt of an unknown substance shot at us. As soon as it hit me, I wasn’t able to move a muscle. The only thing I could do was move my eyes. Kazooie must have been frozen, too, because I felt no rustling of feathers inside my backpack. Then the guard picked up his rod again and pointed it at us. I realized that the top of the rod was a pitchfork, and I thought he was going to cut us open. I would run out of the way of the psychotic guard, but I was rooted to the spot because of that stupid, cowardly thing he did. I closed my eyes tightly, so I wouldn’t have to see it. I waited for the dreaded inevitable blow, but after a few seconds, I noticed that nothing happened. When I opened my eyes, I wish I didn’t, because it looked as if it was charging up, madly dispersing sparks. After a few seconds of charging you could see electricity forming around the pitchfork, then suddenly a bolt of lightning shot out of the pitchfork and hit us. The impact made us able to move again, but in the process, we were shot back into the water. After we both swam out of the water and back on land the guard spoke.
“Fool! You don’t fight me! As much as I would like to fight you, I’m not allowed too, and I don’t want to get fired again.”
“What?!” Kazooie said, very angry, “You just did!”
“Oh well.” The guard smiled, now that he got us back for getting him fired, “Anyway, only the mightiest warriors are allowed inside Atlantis, and you must prove yourself worthy before you enter. So, you’ll have to fight some ridiculously easy baddies to enter…”
“’Sounds ridiculously easy enough.” Kazooie said.
And it was. We fought a few Billybobs, Gruntydactles, and other equally easy, miscellaneous minions. As many as there were, we still effortlessly defeated all of them.
“What a surprise.” The guard yawned, “You killed them all, and I guess that means you can enter…” The guard then opened the gate, and we walked inside.
It was not the huge city we were expecting. Instead of pure lakes, huge, architecturally impressive buildings, we saw only one building, and it was not big at all, and had no design. We walked inside and the door slammed shut behind us. I turned around and saw the door was locked.
“Um… Shall we… proceed?” Kazooie asked me nervously.
I nodded, turned around, and tried to survey the area. Everything was dark and mysterious, without any trace of light, I grew worried. I have heard that if you stay in total darkness too long, you become disoriented. With that in mind, and the fact that the door was locked, I searched around looking for a flashlight or candle.
“You wouldn’t happen to have a flashlight in there would you?” I said to Kazooie, referring to the blue backpack she was sitting in.
“Nope,” she said as I felt the walls looking for a light switch, “But I have some fire eggs. It’s worth a shot…”
As she flew out of my backpack, I yelled, “Wait, don’t just shoot it at anything! You’ll start a fire! Make sure there’s a candle or torch or something similar nearby!”
But I was too late. Kazooie had already spit out a fire egg, and as it bounced along, I noticed a candle revealed by the light of the fire egg.
“It’s not like we’re in a log cabin, Genius.” Kazooie replied to my outburst.
She was right, there was no wood nearby and the building wasn’t made of wood. I did not know what the building was made of at the time, and had no time to worry about it, for a small fire has started on the ground. I grabbed the candle, touched the fire with it until the wick was on fire. I put the candle back in the candle holder and placed it away from the fire.
“Kazooie!” I said, “Use an ice egg!”
Kazooie shot an ice egg at the fire, but to no avail; the ice egg just melted and nothing more… Or so it seemed…
“Keep on using them! Maybe the flames will gradually die!” I shouted.
“You don’t have to yell, I’m right here.” Kazooie reminded me.
She continued to shoot ice eggs at the flames and, sure enough, the fire got smaller, but that only got us so far.
“I’m all out!” Kazooie said.
“Don’t worry,” I told her, “the flame’s small; I can take care of it by just rolling around over it!”
“What?!” She yelled.
“You’ve heard the phrase, ‘Stop, drop, and roll.’ Haven’t you?” I asked, and not waiting for a reply, I rolled over the flames a couple of times.
“That doesn’t help!” Kazooie yelled, while she was flying around the room, for she flew out of my backpack as I was about to start rolling. “It just spreads the flame!”
Upon hearing this, I quickly stopped rolling and observed the flame. It was definitely bigger, or at least longer. Kazooie saw me from the light of the flames and noticed I had burnt black hairs from rolling in the fire. She stopped flying and landed, but that was only because she was laughing so much she could not control her flying.
“Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That was such a stupid idea! You’re so stupid! Ahahahahahaha!” She mocked.
Getting angry, I replied menacingly, “You try something then, if you’re so smart!”
She stopped laughing and flew back into the air saying, “Maybe I will.”
She gathered speed while flying then, swooped down towards the fire. I jumped out of the way so she wouldn’t hit me. As she flew over the fire, there was a gust of wind which put out the fire.
“See?” She said triumphantly, “It just takes a little common sense. When you’re as smart as me, you can—”
Her insult was interrupted, because the flame happened to be right next to a wall. She flew right into it and fell down to the floor.
“Heheh,” I laughed, “now we’re even.”
I walked over to pick up the candle, and with its light, Kazooie flew back into my backpack, but not without a frustrated, “Shut up.” I walked over to the end of the room, and saw a sight so surprising, that I forgot to be surprised. I set the candle down on a stool, looked up, and saw again what made me so surprised. Behind a glass wall was a stool, on this stool was Gruntilda’s skull.
“It’s just you!” I half-shouted, half-laughed, “You almost scared me half to death with this creepy room and that guard. I thought you were some huge, scary monster!”
“I was…” Grunty muttered miserably, “but then you’ve reduced me to just a skull with one eye! It’s so hard to just get stupid minions! They don’t like to be bossed around, but they have no choice when you’re more powerful than them. Now that I’m just a skull I can’t cast spells, because I have no hands. Klungo left me, and I crushed my sisters… The most I could do is get that guard, by paying him…”
“How did you get here, and why is this city so empty?” I asked curiously.
“Well as you know, during your little kicking game, your stupid pet bird kicked me over towards the platform that lowers down to the main level of Cauldron Keep. I rolled down to the bridge that crosses the moat of boiling lava and fell off the cliff. I landed in Mayahem Temple in front of Officer Ugonopaz or whatever. He was looking glum and he seemed to be wondering where he could get a new job. He was almost about to guard Targitzans favorite priceless relic thingy when I was struck with a sudden thought. I offered him a lot of money for him to take me to Atlantis, the real Atlantis, mind you. There was a magical illusion my sisters cast over that level so that you wouldn’t know its true secret and find my treasures within. He erased the illusion with that odd staff of his and brought me to Atlantis. I promised him more money if he guards the city. He gladly accepted of course. Ever since then I have prepared myself for revenge.”
“So that, er, frog was an illusion, along with his…unique girlfriend? What about Captain Blackeye, I highly doubt he was an illusion, there were pictures of him all over your mansion in your old lair. Mumbo and Humba couldn’t have been an illusion, there’s no way. Blubber is real also, and what about Pawno? All of them couldn’t have been illusions.” I said.
“You’re right for once, Burnt Hair,” she said eyeing my singed black hairs from the fire; she must have been watching our whole battle with the flame, “The frog, his girlfriend, and Pawno were all illusions. Apparently, my two sisters, Blobbelda and Mingelda started the illusion enchantment a year or so ago, so others thought it real like you two and came in. Captain Blackeye is in a lot of portraits in my mansion I do admit, two to be precise. If you didn’t know he is a hardcore alcoholic and came to just get drunk. I don’t like him anymore, if that’s what you’re wondering. You saw those portraits two years ago, but I took them off and replaced them with portraits of myself as soon as I learned he was an alcoholic.”
“How could you get drunk by drinking illusionary water?” Kazooie struck another insult, “If it was you who made the illusionary frog and his girlfriend you have one sick mind…”
I was still confused, “How could you take off his portraits and replace them with you if you hadn’t been into your old lair since you fell off the top and was buried for two years. When you were rescued you went straight for the Isle O’ Hags and didn’t waste time inside your old lair. How could all the pathways in your lair be blocked and all of Cheato’s pages ripped out if you hadn’t have been there to do it?”
“Well, the pathways were blocked off by the rumbling of the drill of my sister’s, I’m quite certain a minion tore out Cheato’s pages and gave the credit to me obviously hoping to get a promotion, but it didn’t work of course. As for the portraits, I saw Captain Blackeye drinking as I was passing through the worlds and that disgusted me. When Klungo returned to me the second time for beatings after you defeated him I told him to go to my old lair and replace his two portraits with portraits of myself.”
“Klungo said something about getting a broomstick beating from you. How could you beat him with a broomstick if it was destroyed in our battle on the roof of your old lair?” I asked.
“Idiot, just because I lost one broom does that mean I’ll be permanently broomless? No, I got another from my sisters but it wasn’t one of the flying magical ones. I only used to beat Klungo and to have minions sweep the floors. Anyway, Klungo had to shift the boulders to get inside and defeat idiotic monsters trying to stop him along the way. He had to maneuver the narrow pathways over boiling lava to get to my mansion. He had had gained strength, accuracy, and agility which he obviously thought might defeat you in your third battle but he was mistaken of course.” Gruntilda replied.
“We defeated invisible Klungo easily. We just had to fire a homing grenade which followed his invisible—” Kazooie began, but was interrupted.
“Kazooie!” I yelled.
“Insult him, I don’t care.” Gruntilda said, “After all it was he who betrayed me and chose to make video games. As if that’s a better job than mine… Anyway, Mumbo Jumbo wasn’t an illusion, either. When he went off exploring the worlds he put his skull in each including this illusionary one, and the same for Humba Wumba. Old Blubber found the illusionary Atlantis and he thought it was a good idea to spend his gold and start a business from illusionary materials selling illusionary boats. However, his business failed immensely, because the illusionary characters were tied to one spot and could only say and do what they were programmed to do. Blackeye was too busy getting drunk to buy one, Mumbo was waiting in his skull for you to show up, and Humba was too far underwater too probably even notice that there was a boat selling business.”
“Before you mentioned the world of Atlantis we defeated before was to stop us from finding your treasures within the real Atlantis, where are they now, Boney Chin?” Kazooie asked.
“I gave them all to the guard and about a thousand minions, for they are all necessary for our fight.” Gruntilda the Witch replied.
“Why have you lured us here, you loathsome old bag?” I asked.
“Just when you were starting to sound smart, Banjo, I thought you already knew. I, of course, wanted revenge. Now let’s get this over with.” She said.
“Wait!” I said, “You never answered one of my first questions!”
“Which was?” she asked.
“Why is this city so empty?” I asked again.
“All of my people were scared away by HAG 1, no idiot, I made room for the arena, now let’s go!” She said menacingly.
“I can take you, One-Eye!” Kazooie said who flew out of my backpack and right towards Grunty as the glass guarding her disappeared.
Grunty hopped off the stool and rolled down across the floor as it, the walls, and the ceiling began disappearing. Poor Kazooie, however, hit the wall before it disappeared. Then I understood, the whole building was an illusion. I saw Grunty rolling towards the middle of Atlantis and I chased after her. The guard, using his staff, said incantations, to stop the illusion of the building where we talked to Gruntilda. He then turned toward where Grunty was rolling and moved his staff and shouted incantations again. Walls appeared around Grunty until she was gone from view. It looked almost like the Coliseum, but I had little time to marvel at this newly found huge, architecturally impressive building, because the guard used his staff to raise me into the air. Before I knew what was happening, I was thrown with great force toward the arena. Afterwards, the guard walked back to the gate to get back to his duties. I seemed to be unconscious, for when I opened my eyes I had no idea what happened. I was in a chair and was trapped in a tight bind of ropes. Kazooie was in my backpack as she was since she flew back in after she hit the illusionary wall. The stands were full of minions, who must have come in while I was unconscious. I saw two machines and Gruntilda’s skull on a stool.
“Welcome to the Arena!” She shouted. She was talking to all the minions as if it were a show. “I have just sent a few of my minions to the top of Cauldron Keep to retrieve the rest of my bones, and of course, my other eye…” She added mumbling.
It wasn’t until a few hours later, did the minions return.
“Sorry we’re so late, Gruntilda. I mean, do you know how many bones there are in a foot? It took us ages to find both of them!” One of the minions said.
That one minion helped her put on the neck, ribs, and arms, then she could do the rest. When she was finished she looked just like the Gruntilda we knew when she came out of the boulder. She used her old hands to cast a spell on the one minion who said there were a lot of bones in a foot. He flew back and hit the wall, and fell down dead.
“Ah, it feels so good to have the ability to cast spells again…” she said, “Now the second part of my master plan! I have here a machine that transfers life, strength, and inner beauty. Before I have wasted valuable time trying to get my enemies into one of these, but now I have realized, why do that when I can just use my servants who follow my every whim, but just so you’re not tempted…” she snapped her fingers and the doors of the Coliseum slammed shut. The minions weren’t really that evil, they weren’t acting of their own free will, but of Grunty’s. In short, they had beauty on the inside. This machine transferred inner beauty to outer beauty, if you must know.
Gruntilda stepped inside the first machine, but not before calling her guard to see to it that all minions will obey her command. It took a long time but all of the minions in the stands glumly stooped over to the second machine and each used it one by one. When they were finally finished, Grunty stepped out. I was sure that was what she would have looked like if she succeeded in sucking out Tooty’s beauty.
She spoke in her new voice which was most unlike her own. “This Coliseum you see now, Banjo and Kazooie, is not where we will be fighting. Instead I have thought of a better illusion.”
Now that she had the use of arms, she could use magic, so she changed the illusion herself. The Coliseum changed into this huge room, and unlike the Coliseum, it had a floor, walls, and a ceiling, instead of ground, stands, and no ceiling. There were weapons all around the room, but of course they were optional. I had a weapon of my own anyway. I reached into my backpack and pulled out Kazooie’s feet. She had thought I was going to slam her on the ground again, but what use would that be? No, I wielded her as a sword. I lunged at Grunty, who did a back flip, jumped off the wall and aimed a kick right at us. She has definitely gained agility and strength; we have to keep our guard up. Kazooie, who was knocked out of my hand when I was hit by Grunty, flew straight at Grunty, missed, and for the third time ran right into a wall. This time, her beak was stuck. Grunty, who did another back flip to dodge Kazooie’s blow, landed on Kazooie and used her as a diving board. She was coming right towards me with her fists outstretched, but I was fast and strong as well. I dodged her blow and ran up the wall and jumped toward her, just as she ran up the wall and jumped towards me. We both hit each other and both fell in the opposite direction. I noticed that when she’s harmed she seems to get weaker and lose some flesh. We were still falling, we ran up a really high wall, when a bomb flew right into her hand. She lit it with a magic spell and threw it right at me. I guessed that you could withdraw a weapon if you think of it very hard. So, I concentrated, and sure enough I was able to use the Mirror Shield to reflect the bomb which went back over to Grunty and exploded. I finally landed, ran over to Kazooie who was still stuck. I pulled her out and threw her like a spear at Gruntilda. The smoke from the explosion was just clearing up and when she could see again Kazooie was flying towards her. This time Kazooie’s aim was true.
Gruntilda fell to the ground, and we saw that she was reduced to fat old ugly Gruntilda. She summoned a magic broom and began throwing spells at us. Kazooie found a flight pad, I stayed on the floor. Kazooie and I both knew that she was a better flier without me as a burden. She dodged the fireballs and aimed a beak bomb; Gruntilda swerved out of the way and zoomed towards Kazooie. Kazooie was hit and started falling, but began flying again before she landed. While they were fighting, I was running up the wall and jumped off right as Gruntilda hit Kazooie. She did not see me, so my aim was true. I hit her broom which broke in half. When Grunty was falling, Kazooie seized this moment to toss a grenade egg at her.
She was hit and reduced to a skeleton. She did a back flip and landed on a ledge out of our reach, well from the ground it was out of our reach. She was casting spells at us like a madman, but we were able to dodge them all, apart from the homing spell. We were not together so neither of us could do the wonder wing, which would make us invulnerable, but we can’t attack while it’s in use. We saw that we needed to be together for this stage in the fight, so after both of us were hit by the homing spell, Kazooie flew into my backpack. Gruntilda would toss a lot of fireballs at us then end it with a homing spell. Afterwards she would pause for a few seconds, probably regenerating her magic. Kazooie seized this moment to fire a grenade egg at her. Grunty easily jumped out of the way. If Kazooie had fired multiple grenade eggs she probably would have been hit, but she can only fire one at a time. During the next few second of pause I thought of a bow and arrow and it came. I shot an arrow as Kazooie fired a grenade egg. Grunty dodged the egg but was hit by the arrow. She did not stop to moan which caused her defeat in the previous two stages. She started casting more spells and during the pause I summoned a quiver full of arrows and shot three arrows at her as Kazooie fired another grenade egg. She was hit by two more arrows and a grenade egg.
After that she was finally reduced back to a skull. I kicked her up into the air and grabbed her hair and stared at her.
“Fool.” I said to her, “Now you’re just a skull who lost her minions, lost her strength, lost her body, lost her beauty, lost her agility, lost her magic power, and lost her treasures. Overall, you lost your life.”
“At least I still have that guard, he’ll finish you off.” She said.
“Oh, we’ll take care of him.” Kazooie said.
And we did. There was a catapult among the weapons in the room and we put all the other weapons inside it. We rolled it outside and shot all the weapons at the guard. He saw them and ran away, back to Mayahem Temple. I then tossed Grunty’s skull high into the air and Kazooie flew up and swatted it with her wing. The skull flew off into the distance and out of sight. All of a sudden, the city of Atlantis began changing. The building in which the fight took place disappeared and dozens of huge architecturally impressive buildings appeared along with pure glittering lakes, rivers, and steams. The king thanked them very much.
“Thank you, O’ Banjo and Kazooie! You have gotten those who have begun the illusion out of range and now things are returning to normal, thanks to you! We know what you want, and you shall get it! You will get your old house back, Tooty shall return, you will get a new goldfish, and Banjo…”
“Banjo will get a bigger piece of the pie.” The king said cheerfully.
After that followed a huge party, there were things everyone loves to eat and you would drool if I mentioned all of them. Tooty came and said she was sorry she was late. She had to buy a pair of socks and it took her a while. Banjo’s goldfish, which appeared in the river, was revived by the Atlantians and was given the ability to breathe in both salt and fresh water. Kazooie was happy beyond belief that we could finally leave that mole hole we were living in for the past few months. When the party was over, the king presented us with Arasorn, a magical object that when used spirits of Atlantian Warriors will come and protect them.
“Please accept it as an adequate thank you for saving our beloved homeland.” The king said.
Tooty, Kazooie, the goldfish, who traveled the waters until it reached the moat around Spiral Mountain, and I traveled back home. The goldfish was soon placed back in its bowl and we were all finally back in our beloved home.
Or is it?!